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6:45 PM

Friday, January 26, 2024
I don't have anymore strength left in me, to let you conveniently feed on it

Comfort food

I don't have anymore strength left in me, to let you conveniently feed on it

You tell me I am strong, but you never do anything to lessen my burden, and then you tell me that you love me - burdening me even more under your expectations of me to do more.


You feel proud for the struggles I go through, but you haven’t been there in it, and you, then tell me that you love me, burdening me under the responsibility of loving you back for just three words, that never have been more than just the words.


For I never found you standing behind me whenever I leaned back, nor did I find you standing in front of me when the sun was harsh - and you know what hurts more, never did I even find you standing beside me when it rained.


You know, you would never have felt proud of my strength, if you had sipped the pain of my struggles. Maybe you’d have felt it deeper than being proud of it if I would have let the heat reach you - let you burn with me a little. 


Your eyes spark when you see me walking with my pale skin in grace because it always painted your redness in white - and you know what hurts more, you deliberately chose to see my grace, not my weakness, because it’s easier to sleep on it.


Maybe you would have known better, only if you would ever have accompanied me in the silence of the night, and if I would have let you lay beside me - but I never wanted you to hear the sound of my bones cracking, when I lay down. 


For I loved you, or maybe I feared breaking the image of my saintly strength that you had because it made you smile, but, I wanted, for me too, that sense of little peace on my face - but when was the last you told me "we'd go through it together, and not that I am strong, and I will ace anything that will come my way." -


but you know, you never have ever, for once told me anything about us, it always has been, you would do it, you deserve good, you be strong - while I always told you we deserve good, we'd go through it all.


You praise my strength, for it has always been a cushion for you to fall, and then you tell me that you love me, crushing me to my bones, making me feel that I don’t have the space to slow down, stop, and breathe.


You tell me that you love me, and I am the most amazing woman you have ever seen - and that no one has the strength that I have - for I never let anything reach you other than love - for I thought, you were my man, and I had to do this for you - but no.


And it does not matter, for I learned to go through pain before it starts hurting - not because it doesn't hurt, but I have hurt myself even more - for letting me hurt.



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Sanniya Arif

A cozy corner, warm lights, clouds, pen, a journal, Quran, and coffee is what I am made of.
By profession, I am copywriter, editor, and designer - By soul, I want to be a rain drop, or a leaf that falls on the cold, wet ground.
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